Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
