I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
