My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
