apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
