I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
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