What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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