the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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