Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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