I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
