Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
