grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
