Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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