I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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