awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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