Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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