Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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