The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
