Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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