we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
