My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
