i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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