remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
