I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
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