why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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