I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
