I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Your penis caused this!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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