I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
