everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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