It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
