How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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