I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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