I will die if light touches me.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
