My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
