I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
