I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
