He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
