I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
