Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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