if you like me you must not know who I am
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
