smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
