what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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