help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize