we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize