Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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