Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
