Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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