so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
