Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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