we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
