Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
