This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
