dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
