My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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