Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
