I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize