Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
