I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
