i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
