I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
